How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?
by akksgurl
Summary: Tommy reacts to receiving "The Letter" from Kimberly. Songfic.


**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Power Rangers, any dialog from it, Kimberly (Amy Jo Johnson), Kat (Catherine Sutherland), Billy (David Yost), Adam (Johnny Yong Bosch), Rocky (Steve Cardenas), Tanya (Nakia Burress) or Tommy (Jason David Frank). Although the prospect of owning JDF is appealing, I'm sure his wife would have a problem with that.

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**_Author's Notes_: **American Idol inspired this fanfic. When I heard one of the contestants singing this song, the first thing I thought about was poor Tommy and that horrible letter the writers had Kim's character send him. I was inspired. So here's my story. It's a oneshot songfic to the song "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You" by Michael Bolton.

**How Am I Supposed To Live Without You? **

**By akksgurl**

The sweat was pouring off of Tommy's brow as he benched the weight again. He barely registered anyone around him, not even his three spotters Adam, Rocky, and Billy. This entire focus was on the weight he struggled with.

"Hey ladies," he heard Adam say, "What brings you to this neck of the Youth Center?"

Tommy glanced up as he lowered the weight and saw Kat smiling at the Green Zeo Ranger, but it was Tanya who answered, "Well, it was getting a little lonely at the Juice Bar, so we figured we'd see what all the fuss is about here. It doesn't take three men to spot Tommy, now does it?"

"No," Billy replied to the Yellow Zeo Ranger, "but Tommy is utilizing a new workout regime he and I developed. It is intended to strengthen the person's durability and endurance, which are invaluable to an active Ranger."

"Yeah," Rocky chimed, as he spotted the metal bar Tommy was lifting, "So far, Tommy's acclimating to the new workout pretty well." He then turned his attention back to Tommy. "Okay, you've got two more sets. You ready?"

"I was born ready," said Tommy, stifling a wry grin wondering why Rocky was talking like Billy all of the sudden. He frowned in effort and lifted the heavy bar into the air, and began another set of repetitions.

Tommy could feel Katherine's gaze on him. He'd started to notice her gazes more often as the months passed. It made him a little uncomfortable, but he never let on. Kat was a good friend to him and a fine pink ranger. He didn't want to ruin that by making her feel bad. He also didn't want to start a conversation that he'd be too uncomfortable to finish. He'd suspected Kat had deeper feelings for him since he'd first met her and he now was pretty certain he was right. He just didn't want to get into it with her. She'd only end up getting her heart broken. Tommy loved only one woman and it wasn't Kat. At least the blonde knew that.

"Hey Tommy," Ernie said as he approached the group, "a letter came for you."

"It's from Kimberly," Billy said with a smile. Tommy knew he was grinning like a silly child as he lifted the weight off of him and sat up. Accepting the towel Rocky handed him, he wiped his face gingerly, "Cool! Hey Adam, could you do me a favor and read it?" Tommy asked. Maybe it was cruel to have Adam read the letter Tommy's girlfriend had written to him out loud, but Tommy thought that it might be the most understated way to let Kat know he was taken, "I have one more set to do."

"You got it," said Adam, as he opened the letter. Tommy laid back down and lifted the weight again, "'Dear Tommy, everything is going great here in Florida. Coach Schmidt has me as ready as I'll ever be for the competition.'"

"Man," Rocky interrupted, "Kimberly is gonna do great!"

"What else does she say?" Tanya inquired, leaning closer.

"'Tommy, this is the hardest letter that I'll ever write,'" read Adam. Tommy felt a fear grip his heart that had been hidden in the depths of his imagination since the moment he'd said goodbye to her at the airport. "'You've always been my best friend, and in some ways you're like a brother to me. But, something has happened here that I can't explain. It's both been wonderful and painful at the same time. Tommy, I've met someone else...'"

Adam stopped in shock, and looked up from the letter, his eyes widening. Tommy's arms gave out under the pressure of the weight and he felt it plummeting down to his chest. His world slowed down but he managed to set the dumbbell down without hurting himself and sat up.

_I could hardly believe it  
When I heard the news today  
I had to come and get it straight from you  
_

"What!" Tommy heard Katherine's raw voice shout, "That can't be right!"

Tommy felt like he was in a horrible nightmare and that any moment he'd wake up and everything would be like it was before. She'd still love him. This letter wouldn't exist. Everything would be fine.

"Tommy," whispered Adam, playing with the letter absently, "maybe you should finish this another time."

"Let me see," said Tommy, turning around and snatching the letter from his friend's grasp. He wasn't thinking. He was acting. This was a joke. This was just a cruel joke and in the next paragraph she'd love him again. She'd laugh and say it was a terrible thing for her to do but she just needed to keep him on his toes.

This wasn't real!

After a moment, he continued to read, his voice sounding distant; like it was coming from someone else, "'Tommy, you know I would never do anything to hurt you, but I feel like I've found the person... I belong with. He's wonderful, kind, and caring. You'd really like him...'"

Tommy chuckled bitterly at that statement, trying to force himself to breath and not to cry. The leader of the Power Rangers doesn't cry. With deep breath, he continued to read the letter to the astonished audience. "'Everything would be perfect if it weren't for hurting you. But, I have to follow my heart. I'll always care about you Tommy.'"

He paused for a moment, feeling his strength beginning to wane. "'Please forgive me. Kimberly...'"

Tommy knew his voice had lowered greatly as he read, to the point where it was a barely audible whisper – one he could barely hear himself. He squeezed his eyes tightly and folded the letter. He was losing his battle to be strong. He was losing his battle against the tears that threatened to spill.

"Are you all right?" asked Billy gently.

"Huh?" asked Tommy. He shook his head in a vain attempt to shake away the pain that was gripping him, "Yeah."

His legs threatened to give way underneath him, but he rose anyway and turned to face his friends. The pity on their faces made him more determined than ever to stand tall and hide his pain. They needed him to be strong. He was the leader. He couldn't crumble, "I uh, I have to go; um, I'll uh... catch up with you guys later."

He knew they didn't that he was all right. He knew it even as he forced his way through the crowd to get to the door of the Youth Center and out into the sunlight. He didn't believe it either.

They said you were leavin'  
Someone's swept your heart away  
From the look upon your face, I see it's true  
So tell me all about it, tell me 'bout the plans you're makin'  
Then tell me one thing more before I go

Tommy groped through the sunlight as it blinded his tear stained eyes. His feet were taking him to the one place his heart didn't want him to go. The water called to him like a siren; leaves gently blowing in the breeze like locks of Kimberly's chestnut hair. He could still smell the shampoo scent of her hair as he stood on the banks of the lake. He could still feel the gentle pressure of her hand in his, her lips on his own.

The last time he'd stood on that bank, wallowing in self pity was when he'd lost his Green Ranger powers and she'd come to him like an angel descended from Heaven.

"They said back at the gym I'd find you here," she'd said to him, somehow knowing just how to break the silence between them to make him feel better.

"Yeah, I like to practice outside sometimes," he'd responded. He'd lost his footing as soon as he'd heard her sweet voice and had instantly felt mortified. She always managed to make him feel self conscious – like he didn't deserve her. Maybe he didn't. After all, despite months of being around Kim; being a ranger with her, he still went weak in the knees at times. She just looked at him with her deep brown eyes and he'd felt instantly like he needed to clarify himself, "You know, to smell the fresh air."

He'd walked toward her until she was within arms length. He didn't want to get too close and he didn't want to be too far away. It was awkward, wanting to hold her so badly and yet being afraid to do it all at the same time. "How're you doing?" Kim had asked, her bright smile warming Tommy's heart. She always managed to make him feel better even when he was horrible nervous around her.

"I'm hanging. I've been working on my karate, focusing on my schoolwork. Just trying to keep busy."

Kim had smiled at him shyly, her eyes lowering to the ground and then back to his face, "We miss you."

Tommy felt his heart constrict with sudden emotion. He knew in that moment that he was completely in love. He'd wondered if he was for months while he'd done everything in his power to make her like him. It had consumed him; this desire for her to feel for him what he felt for her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and never let her go, but Tommy instantly felt worried. She was trying to make him feel better; not confess her love. "Yeah," he said, "but you were a team long before I showed up. It'll get back to normal before long."

Tommy knew as he spoke the words that they were the truest he'd ever said. He was just an extra. Someone that they used when the going got tough which it rarely did for them. They never needed him. They liked having him around, but when it came right down to it he was just getting in the way.

"I miss you." Kimberly had said then, ripping Tommy's attention from his self pity back to the beautiful girl before him. Her eyes spoke more volumes than words could ever convey. All his months of trying to win her affections had worked. Tommy smiled to himself. Zack was right. She would say yes…if he just asked her.

But instead of asking her to the dance, Tommy found himself doing the one thing he never thought he'd have the courage to do. He'd kissed her. Softly and briefly but with enough emotion to let her know that he never wanted to kiss anyone again for as long as he lived.

_Tell me how am I suppose to live without you  
Now that I've been lovin' you so long  
How am I suppose to live without you  
How am I suppose to carry on  
When all that I've been livin' for is gone_

Tommy choked back a sob as he gazed out over the sunlit lake. It was as beautiful as it had been on that day, but this time Kimberly wasn't going to arrive from behind him to confess her feelings and kiss away his fears. She was never going to come back again.

He felt his legs giving out again but he refused to let himself fall to the ground. He had to be strong. The one thing he was sure of was that Kimberly truly didn't want to hurt him. She'd never do anything spiteful, no matter how bad it may look. She was just following her heart. He'd always told her to do that. That was why she was in Florida. She was following her dream; her heart. Its just too bad it led her away from him.

"This has been a dream my whole, entire life." She'd said, the words echoing in Tommy's heart like a mantra of pain, "But when I became a Power Ranger, I made some promises. One of them was to stand by you guys."

"Kim, you also promised to be true to yourself." He'd said. Tommy wanted to go back in time and wrench the words away before he could say them. 

"...I really want to go."

"I don't want to lose you, Kim. But I can't just sit back and watch you give this up. It... wouldn't be fair."

I didn't come here for cryin'  
Didn't come here to break down  
It's just a dream of mine is coming to an end  
And how can I blame you

It wouldn't have been fair. Tommy admitted that now. She was happy. That's what he wanted. But why did she have to be happy with someone else? She'd always have him. She knew that. Could she say the same about this other guy? Would he be there for her through everything? Would he risk his life for her?

"Tommy... I'm really scared." She'd said to him, her brown eyes conveying what her words were saying.

"Remember what you told me when I lost my powers?" he'd asked her, knowing that she did. It was a quality he'd always loved about her. She never forgot what any conversations they had had. They meant just as much to her as they did to him.

"I said that you'd be okay... and that you'd always have us all."

"And you have me. Kim," Tommy had whispered to her, hoping she'd know just how heartfelt and honest the words were. He'd never spoken anything more real in his life, "I'll always be here for you."

When I build my world around  
The hope that one day we'd be so much more than friends  
And I don't wanna know the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming  
When even now it's more than I can take

The memories were coming fast now. Tommy pulled at his hair. He wanted them to stop. His heart felt tighter in his chest. Was it truly possible to die of a broken heart? He wasn't sure. He wasn't sure about anything. He wasn't sure how his beloved Kimberly – his beautiful pink princess could do this to him. Not after everything they'd been through.

"I love fairy tales. I've always wanted to be a princess, and get rescued by a handsome prince on a white horse." She'd said, smiling up at him.

"Well... how about a white tiger?"

She'd grinned at his joke as her eyes glittered with the love Tommy knew he'd never see in her eyes again, "That would work."

She'd loved him. He knew that. She'd loved him more than he thought he deserved to be loved. This wasn't supposed to happen to them. They were supposed to live happily ever after just like in her fairy tale dreams.

Tell me how am I suppose to live without you  
Now that I've been lovin' you so long  
How am I suppose to live without you  
How am I suppose to carry on  
When all that I've been livin' for is gone

The tears were coming now. Tommy couldn't hold them back. They threatened to choke him on the lumps of his regret. If he'd just paid more attention to her. He'd been so focused on his ranger duties that he'd let his contact with her wane. He'd promised her he'd always be there, but had he proven it? He hadn't even visited her. He hadn't seen her since Christmas and even then she'd come to him.

"Hey, don't you know you're supposed to land on your feet?"

The memory flashed back to him like lightening. The last time she'd been his completely and even then, Tommy knew now, she was drifting away from him. He'd just been too blinded to see it. She was leaving and things would never been the same, but the naïve 17 year old in him thought that everything would be fine. 

"I thought I'd try something different. Guess I should just stick to what works, huh?"

"You had me really scared." He'd said, his voice hoarse with worry, "With everything we've been through with Rita and Zedd, this has been the worst."

"Thanks for being here, Tommy."

Where else would he have been? That question had formed in his mind then but he didn't convey it. Was that when Kimberly started to feel neglected? Kat had already been in the picture. Had Kimberly sensed Kat's feelings were more than just friendship for him?

And I don't wanna face the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming  
Now that your dream has come true

Tommy heard footsteps behind him and quickly wiped away the telltale tears that were staining his tanned cheeks. This was so much like that day so long ago, that when Tommy turned around for a moment the light played tricks with his mind and he saw Kimberly standing there smiling at him like she always did.

Then he blinked and it was Katherine, "Tommy?" she asked tentatively, "Are you okay?"

Tommy forced himself to smile, knowing the joy wasn't reaching his eyes but not really caring at the moment, "Yeah."

"Everyone's really worried about you."

Tommy nodded, feeling bad about making everyone worry, "I'm sorry." He said, knowing if he was a better leader they wouldn't have even been able to tell he was hurting. He lifted his gaze to Kat again, "I just don't get it. She never mentioned anything about this to me before…" he swallowed, "before now…"

Kat didn't say anything and Tommy was grateful. There wasn't anything to say. Kimberly had found a replacement for him without a second thought and left him heartbroken and alone, standing on the banks of 'their' lake with just memories of her love to keep him warm. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to be furious with her, but he couldn't because anger would mean that he regretted loving her and that was one thing he could never do.

"How about I walk you home after school?" he'd asked, watching her try to hide her wet cat look by giving him her brightest smile. To him she'd never looked more beautiful.

"You know anything could happen." She warned, motioning toward her hair as a symbol of the horrible day she was having.

"Hey, I'll take my chances." Tommy had replied with a grin. And he had. That was one thing he was never going to regret.

_Tell me how am I suppose to live without you  
Now that I've been lovin' you so long  
How am I suppose to live without you  
How am I suppose to carry on  
When all that I've been livin' for is gone_


End file.
